When I left the Coast Guard, I knew that I needed some time off too spin down. I was a nervous wreck, completely stressed out, and about THISCLOSE to losing it at times. I needed a change of scenery - STAT (I've always wanted to use that word in a real sentence...). However, the idea of taking time off just to take time off was a bit daunting to me. To me it seemed like a colossal WASTE of time. It was also a bit scary. After all, what if I started to LIKE all of this time off?
Unfortunately, I never really relaxed during that time off. There were so many things that needed attention, between moving, paperwork that needed to be finished, fixing my car, and a myriad of other little things that popped up along the way. I got to a point that I couldn't stand being at home alone anymore.
So, I got a job, as was part of the plan that Ben and I had (although he told me to take off as much time as I needed). A job that shows a lot of promise. One that when I get to work in the morning, I'm excited about what it is I will be doing that day. I am so busy learning and working that I even lose track of time.
Why is it that before I get there, and at night before I go to sleep, I want to cry then? Why does the thought of working a long shift make me want to curl up in my covers and never get out of bed again? Why do I actually START to cry when Ben is leaving the house in the morning, and he doesn't quite know what to do with the sobbing mess sitting in the middle of the kitchen floor?
These questions, and more, I am still trying to answer. You see, I got this great job. It is exactly what I was looking for - something where I can work outside, have responsibility for a job that has tangible and visible results (i.e., can the ship get underway on time, did all of the containers make it onboard), and dress casually everyday (I do believe I will be issued coveralls here before long).
Something just doesn't seem to fit. I don't quite know what it is though. Maybe it is just because I haven't quite learned the ropes yet, and that it is something 180 degrees from anything that I've ever done. I have to worry about time equalling money now, as well as the consequences of getting fired if I screw up. They CAN just fire me on the spot now...and conversely, I can just quit.
Being part of the real world is scary. Part of me really wants my old life back.
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2 comments:
Welcome to the real world Dork,
It gets better. Now its time for you to learn to work to live and not just live to work. Finding that balance itsn't easy but you will feel more at peace w/ yourself & your choices once you do. Force yourself to relax & take sometime for yourself. Take Koda for a long peaceful walk, soak in your new environment & your new life.
Congrats on the job, seems right up your alley.
Love,
The Super dork
This is all very understandable. Change is extremely difficult. Although you realized you were miserable and needed to change your atmosphere/environment/life, you were still USE to the atmosphere/environment/life. It will take a while to adjust to something new- give yourself some time and space.
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