Getting Beyond the Anger

Ben always tells me that one of the things that he loves most about me is my heart. He says I have one of the biggest, most compassionate, understanding, and forgiving hearts of anyone he has ever known.

Sometimes I feel like a complete fraud when he tells me that.

It seems like there is always going to be that one person that you cannot bring yourself to forgive. The one person that hurt you so badly, you can't even describe it. The one person that no matter how hard you try, no matter how hard you pray for the ability to forgive, you just can't do it.

Tonight I had a run-in with that person. Not face-to-face mind you, but through a friend - someone that I had not talked to in a LONG time, that I did not know I was ever going to talk to again. But, this conversation was a good thing. I was caught up on parts of my life I had closed the door on; friends who I wrote off completely in an attempt to wrest my life away from the destruction I was running hell-bent for, and memories I made every attempt to erase from my mind.

And I think I came out the conversation better than I was when I went in.

At the mention of "that person's" name, I felt an urge to get sick. Then I felt rage. Then I felt...peace. No, I haven't forgiven this person for their transgressions. But, I discovered that I have moved beyond it. I don't necessarily think that they should burn in hell anymore. In fact, I think that person has discovered hell on earth. When you discover that you've risen above something that was previously holding you back, it is generally seen as a good thing, right? I must admit that I was ashamed at first. The reason I know I have moved beyond is because I can look back now on that time, see how pathetic that person is, and feel better because I know that I am no longer associated. But at first I was ashamed. I was afraid that other people who knew me "way back when" might remember me as equally pathetic.

I'm sure you are all wondering, just where in the world I am going with this.

You see, this evening I finally acknowledged that I can't change the past. I made some stupid, STUPID mistakes. But I can't go back and change them. I can only move on, and up. Tonight I was also forced to look at all of the hurt, and the anger, and the distrust that I harbored - and refused to let go of. It is okay for me to be angry at these people that have hurt me. In some instances my distrust of some was warranted. That doesn't mean I have to distrust EVERYONE.

I may have made mistakes when I was younger, but believe it or not, I have actually LEARNED from some of them. Now it is my responsibility to apply those lessons, and to forgive myself for making the mistakes I did - and to get on with my life.